What Life is Like on Psychotropic Medications: In Laura's Own Words

As Laura and I begin to document her journey, today I am posting something Laura has written in her own words about what life is like for her as she lives through the side effects of her psychotropic medications. ~ Dawn

What Life is Like on Psychotropic Medications

by Laura Irons

Drugs. Everything in my life seems to come down to drugs. The ones I hate, I have to take under threat of hospitalization. The ones I like, I have to abstain from for reasons like health/prison time.

I’ve come to find that my body and brain are mostly fueled by chemicals. The medications ruin my appetite, so I don’t eat much. The amphetamines and anti-depressants wake me up every morning. The anti-anxiety meds keep me calm throughout the day. The anti-psychotics, tranquilizers, sleeping pills and mood stabilizers put me to sleep every night.

It’s a scary feeling to go to sleep with that much medicine in your system. I’ll explain. The medicines’ effects kick in one by one. First, your mind slows down in a barely perceptible way. Your limbs feel heavy. Your body is sluggish. 

Next are the physical effects. You have to sit down because your limbs are rubbery. You don’t lie down because your mind is still buzzing from the amphetamines (most ADD meds are amphetamines). You’re too awake to fall asleep. Your mouth dries out and your body takes on more weight, but you try to fight it off. Half an hour passes.

Each movement feels like moving through water. Your muscles protest everything you try to do. It sucks if you’re hungry or in need of something. By this stage, you’re too uncoordinated to leave whatever spot you’re in right now. Your mouth is too dry to eat and your mind is starting to slow way down.

Next, the mood stabilizers kick in. These are only observable if you know the effects well enough. Your mind becomes foggy and you begin to space out. You forget if you needed anything. Even if you do, it’s not worth the effort.

By now the tranquilizers have taken full effect. All you can really do is lay there. I hope you’re comfortable with the room’s temperature and your body’s current state, because it’s too late to change anything. Your mind is probably racing to compensate for your body’s uselessness. Your mouth might as well be full of sand.

Next, the anti psychotics kick in. This is the part that shuts your mind down (but not all the way). Slowly, you lose the ability to talk in coherent sentences. Your thoughts become jumbled and your brain feels overworked and exhausted. Your eyes close involuntarily, but your brain still hasn’t shut down. It’s time to take the sleeping pills.

You lay there for a while. You don’t know how long. For me, it’s usually about an hour. You’re in a state of sleep paralysis while your mind is struggling to function through the chemicals. You’re fully aware of being involuntarily drugged. Your body is out of commission and your brain is on the fritz.

If you’re anything like me, your mind will now begin to torture you. First come the bad memories from your past (never the good ones). Next are the unanswerable questions (Why have I survived when those close to me have died? Why am I here? Do I have a purpose at all? When will I understand those around me? When will I understand myself? Will I ever feel alive? Will I be ready when life actually gets better?). 

After that comes the fun part. Your brain will become a sadistic machine torturing you with your own past, present, future, hopes, and fears. Anything you can think of will become warped. Your mind is responding to the paralysis in your body with a sort of panic. Your body is out of control, so your thoughts are filled with unconscious fears. You’re left paralyzed, drowning in the turbulent sea of your sick subconscious.

The last stage is the blackness. I call it this because there’s nothing else to it but blackness. You’re not conscious, but you’re not asleep. Your body is drugged into paralysis and your mind is drugged past coherent thoughts. A vague idea or concept may whisper through your headspace, but you can’t catch it. You don’t even try.

There’s not a concrete thought in your mind. You’re unable to move, even if you’re uncomfortable. You feel the weird sensation of weightlessness that comes with total muscle relaxation. You simultaneously feel like you’re sinking down, deep down, under water.

One by one, your senses turn off. Your eyes don’t register any light that may be outside your eyelids. Your body is numb to all sensation. Your ears process sound as if listening from under water. Your mouth is too dry to taste anything. All you can smell is your own breathing.

Your mind stays awake. Why? Hell if I know. But for a brief period of time after the medications take you out, your mind observes your body shutting down and remains conscious enough to experience the feeling of not experiencing any feelings. It’s why I call the final stage the blackness. You’re devoid of all feeling and sensation, sinking deeper into your bed with your eyes glued shut and your brain malfunctioning. It’s just you and the darkness now.

If you’re lucky, the sleeping pills will kick in before you start to wonder if this is what death feels like. Once you start wondering about that, you can’t stop, and you won’t sleep at all.